Cold God Press

The Jennifer Love Hewitt Times Infinity business card. Very controversial item. We’ve been getting a lot of emails about it.*

Kevin’s idea was that we (I) would insert them into copies of Let’s All Find Awesome Jobs. Figure: maybe if they like the writing they’ll be interested in reading other things he’s written, even if that other stuff is less traditionally “useful.” Or figure: once he’s helped people find awesome jobs they’ll likely want to spend their hard-earned on a collection of folktales starring the lady from the celebrity news blogs.

As a cost-saving measure Kevin felt it made sense to only insert these cards into copies of LAFAJ for people who hadn’t already purchased JLHXI. This would of course involve a certain amount of spreadsheet-maintaining and cross-checking.

What Kevin failed to consider was that it would be easier for me to just include one in every copy, no matter what.

There. An update to a website no one reads, answering a question no one asked. I have a master’s degree, you know.

*We have been getting no emails about it.

—D

Coño, mira.

Kevin got his first check from Amazon recently. There’s been some heated discussion on the internet of late, about e-book pricing and the Kindle vs the iPad and the future of digital publishing and so forth, and since I’m kind of just sitting around waiting for the printers to call, I thought I would share with you some actual real-world data.

(Is data something the internet likes? I can’t tell. There’s a lot of excitement around pie charts and Venn diagrams, but facts seem to be held in very low regard. It’s hard to credit.)

But so. Kevin’s first books were available for the Kindle in September 2009. From September 2009 through December 2009 here’s what he sold:

• Twelve Times Lost: 1
• Touch Anything Except Me: 4
• Fever Dream Ghost Book: 4
• The Location Scout: 5
• How I Learned To Love You From So Far Away: 20

34 copies total. Keep in mind these were all “priced to move” at $1.99 or less, loss-leaders in the long-term business of kfan llc, if you will.

What Amazon grossed from these sales: $53.66

What Kevin netted: $18.90

(What Kevin shared with me: $0, but even I can hardly blame him. This dollar amount would be particularly attractive to someone who still buys CDs.)

Ways to interpret the data:

• No way am I getting a raise anytime soon
• The real fight will be over ownership of the means of conveyance, not the physical vessel for the e-book
• I should try to get a job at Apple

Anyways there you are, a peek beneath the dataskirts. Oops, that caught your attention, didn’t it, internet. I googled “LOLcat Upskirt” to find a funny picture to post at the end here, but that turned out to be quite the rabbithole.

Aaaaand he’s changing the cover again. So…we just officially slipped our date and the book won’t be out until April now. Early April, but still. Apparently Josh Allen, the alt.sex.twitter guy, reads this site. He saw the cover we posted yesterday and sent Kevin an email about it. Kevin spent the rest of the afternoon huddled in the corner, mumbling something over and over about keeping Josh happy, keeping Josh happy. True story: every time he gets an email from Josh he prints it out and stores it in an archival-safe comic book sleeve. I think he thinks they’ll be worth something on ebay someday.

—D

There you go, the new cover. Wars were fought and lost in less time. I felt we would sell more copies if the chick on the right was front and center. I mean she blurry but she got it happening. Kevin went with this one, citing the importance of appealing to a diverse audience. This from someone who routinely confuses Mexican and Italian cuisines.

—D

This isn’t the new cover so much as an expression of my can-do attitude.

—D

Hello. This is Diego, the Cold God Press intern. Kevin asked me to write here to tell everyone to please ignore the previous post because the cover image of our next book, Let’s All Find Awesome Jobs, has changed.

I told him that post happened however many weeks ago and no one remembers/gives a shit. Plus it hasn’t even really changed, we just made the fonts bigger.

He claimed this was a publicity nightmare waiting to happen and that I had to drop whatever I was doing and fix it RIGHT AWAY.

So there you go. I’ll post a picture of the new and drastically improved cover later. I’m in the waiting room at the hospital with my girlfriend right now and the internet connection is terrible.

Our Promise

For your reading pleasure, we will never publish a book that contain words longer than 140 characters.

Two people on the mailing list won free copies of Jennifer Love Hewitt Times Infinity (“JLHXI” hereafter). They have been notified. Only one of them has a tumblr.The other mentioned her excitement on her Twitter, which we liked.

People on the mailing list just received word of the secret pre-order sale page for JLHXI. Imagine them right now, all over the world, gently stirring from their beds to be greeted by such news in their inboxes. Is the world slightly more magical this morning? It’s not for us to say.

The book will go on sale to the general proletariat on Monday. Unless they taken it upon themselves to notice that it’s already available for the Kindle. Amazon does not let us control these things, so.